Monday 14th December was the day when my auntie 'Ness died. My step-dad rang me at about 8am to let me know. The funeral is next Tuesday, but I'm not going to be able to go because there isn't any way that my mother-in-law would be able to look after Marena for the whole day, and seeing as the travel alone would be about 7 hours there and back, it's not possible. I feel terrible that I don't get to say a last goodbye.
It's the only thing I can think about at the moment.
SJB x
Tuesday 15 December 2009
Monday 9 November 2009
OU & 6 weeks 'til Crimbo
I've got some funding from the OU!!! They've given me £481 this year, so my first course of £360 is covered. So pleased. I've sent off my signed registration documents, so I just have to wait until February now. Feels ages away now, I wish I'd done it for October start. I have £121 left which will have to be used on courses that start before September 2010, but it's doubtful that I'll be able to register for anything, as the next course I want to do starts in Feb or Oct, and I know that I won't have the time to study 2 courses at the same time, not to begin with anyway. So it looks like that funding will disappear, which is a real shame. I hope that the application for next year's funding is a bit simpler now that they already have my personal details.
Only 6 weeks to go until xmas week! I've already got our turkey, in the freezer waiting for it's debut on our table. Yes, I do like to get organised ahead of time, I'm a little sad like that!
SJB
x
Only 6 weeks to go until xmas week! I've already got our turkey, in the freezer waiting for it's debut on our table. Yes, I do like to get organised ahead of time, I'm a little sad like that!
SJB
x
Monday 2 November 2009
7 weeks until Crimbo
Where has this year gone? It's quite scary actually.
Only 7 weeks to go now, I've got one of Marena's presents so far. I have a weekend booked off work in a few weeks for Marena's birthday, which is on the Saturday, and I may ask the in-laws if they can have her for a couple of hours on the Sunday so that we can get the rest of them. That's the problem with working opposite days, you find it difficult to do things that need to be done.
I've got a feeling that I'll end up using my bonus at the end of this month for Mark's pressies as I haven't been able to put any extra aside recently. Bloody bills, they seem to be creeping up!
SJB
x
Only 7 weeks to go now, I've got one of Marena's presents so far. I have a weekend booked off work in a few weeks for Marena's birthday, which is on the Saturday, and I may ask the in-laws if they can have her for a couple of hours on the Sunday so that we can get the rest of them. That's the problem with working opposite days, you find it difficult to do things that need to be done.
I've got a feeling that I'll end up using my bonus at the end of this month for Mark's pressies as I haven't been able to put any extra aside recently. Bloody bills, they seem to be creeping up!
SJB
x
Tuesday 20 October 2009
How spooky! A few days after I wrote my blog, and moaned about not having heard from OU, I got an email from them basically saying that they are still having to go through applications for the October starters and would process mine in time for the February start, most likely by the end of this year. How weird is that?! Is someone from the OU reading my blog? LOL
Well, with only 9 weeks until Christmas, I'm pleased to say that I've got most of the gifts already. Just a few left to get, and of course Marena's and Mark's.
Santa, I would like to be pregnant for Christmas please.
SJB
x
Well, with only 9 weeks until Christmas, I'm pleased to say that I've got most of the gifts already. Just a few left to get, and of course Marena's and Mark's.
Santa, I would like to be pregnant for Christmas please.
SJB
x
Wednesday 30 September 2009
Had a lovely long walk to the bank today to bank some of Mark's wages into my account for the bills. Marena picked up a load of leaves on the way back, to make a picture with as I promised her that she could do 'cutting and sticking' pictures today. She's currently lining them up on the floor along with the 2 pinecones we found. She's quite methodical really, she does the same with her cars.
I have to ring up the nursery (before I forget to do it), as they claimed back money from me because Early Years had overpaid the other nursery she goes to, blah blah blah, huge cock up, but I'm owed around £250 for the pleasure.
On the OU front, still haven't heard back from them yet, I sent the financial support forms back over 2 weeks ago. I appreciate that they may not have processed it yet, but a confirmation that they've received it would of been nice.
Everything's ticking along nicely at the moment, and is 'normal'.
I like it that way.
SJB
x
I have to ring up the nursery (before I forget to do it), as they claimed back money from me because Early Years had overpaid the other nursery she goes to, blah blah blah, huge cock up, but I'm owed around £250 for the pleasure.
On the OU front, still haven't heard back from them yet, I sent the financial support forms back over 2 weeks ago. I appreciate that they may not have processed it yet, but a confirmation that they've received it would of been nice.
Everything's ticking along nicely at the moment, and is 'normal'.
I like it that way.
SJB
x
Thursday 24 September 2009
I went into the city centre with Marena this morning to go to the library, but I also ended up being coaxed into Early Learning Centre. Where I ended up buying a load of painting stuff and a few bits for crafting (glue, scissors). Cost me just over £20. Then I went into the shop next door that sells cheap stuff and bought some craft bits like glitter, 'googly eyes' etc which was a couple of quid, then onto 'The Works' for a bumper book of coloured paper, another couple of quid, and then got dragged into the Disney Store! I had to get her a plate anyway, as her last one broke, and ended up spending £3 on a Lightning McQueen one.
Bloody parking cost me nearly £6. I'm not parking in the centre again! Although, to be fair, I thought I was only going to be there for an hour at most. We ended up being there nearly 4 hours.
Still, the trip to ELC gave me some ideas of what to buy for her birthday, so I suppose it was a good thing.
SJB
x
Bloody parking cost me nearly £6. I'm not parking in the centre again! Although, to be fair, I thought I was only going to be there for an hour at most. We ended up being there nearly 4 hours.
Still, the trip to ELC gave me some ideas of what to buy for her birthday, so I suppose it was a good thing.
SJB
x
Monday 21 September 2009
An explanation
Before I write in this blog, I thought I'd give a quick rundown on my life so far, so that anyone who may happen to read it will understand certain things.
I was brought up mainly by my mom, my parents parted ways when I was 3 (they weren't married). My mom had my older sister from a previous marriage, and myself. She met my first step-dad when I was just over 4. They divorced when I was 12. My mom had my sister, me, and my two younger brothers. My sister Stacey is 6 years older than me, my brother Clark is 7 years younger than me, and my other brother Ross is 9 years younger than me. My dad met his wife when I was about 9 years old, they have 2 daughters. The eldest Milly is 12 years younger than me, the youngest Holly is 21 years younger than me.
I was bullied in secondary school, not physically, but psychologically (name calling, being excluded etc). This knocked my confidence, and I don't think I've ever fully got it back (not yet anyway)
I met my hubby when I was 17 in 1999. His relationship with H had broken down a few months before and he was living in a bedsit. He 'officially' ended it the day before he asked me out, as we had talked the night before, and I told him that I wouldn't get involved with him until it was 'official'. They had a daughter who was almost 2 at the time. He was 28. His ex caused us much grief, and accused us of having had an affair whilst they were together, she even rang up the private school where he had previously worked as a chef, to find out if I had been a student there.
We got married when I was 19 in 2001. He hadn't seen his daughter since we'd been together because his ex had been so abusive to him. He missed his daughter, and talked about her at work, but it wasn't the same.
In 2002 he got a call from his ex, saying that their daughter had been abused, by the nursery. We moved closer to them, and she started allowing us both to see Lily. We later found out that this was part of the beginning of H's psychosis, she'd imagined it.
In 2003, we saw Lily as regularly as we could. But it wasn't as much as we would have liked. We worked many weekends so it was difficult.
In 2004, we had Lily for the day in February. Mark saw her a couple more times after that, and I saw her in the August, whilst I was working. H had brought her into the shop. I didn't notice anything wrong. I passed my driving test in May. My mom's biological father died, after having prostate cancer for some time. My Auntie's husband was caught cheating on her.
We went to Florida in the October of '04. We brought back some candy sticks and a Disney Bear (Mickey's teddy) for Lily to give her when we next saw her.
At the beginning of November '04 we sent Lily a card with vouchers in for her 7th birthday (11th November). H hadn't been answering the phone for a month or so, so we weren't sure if she'd got the card.
On Saturday 27th November '04, at around 8.30am, a plain clothes policewoman from CID rang our doorbell. The police had been trying to find us all night. Lily had been killed the previous afternoon. H had 'done something'. Lily never got her bear, we still have it now in her little sister's room.
On the Sunday, my husband had to identify her. I remember the sound of the door being opened (we were in the waiting room), it sounded like a heavy walk-in fridge door being slid across. Then I heard my husband. A strangled cry, in between a shout and a scream. My father-in-law and I came out of the room, my husband came stumbling out towards his dad, hardly able to walk. I went and saw Lily, she was lay there tucked up, the heavy red velvety blanket was folded over near her neck so you could see the white sheet folded with it. There was a little cut on the bridge of her nose, apart from that she looked her normal perfect self, like she was asleep. They had done her parting wrong, she always had it parted on the left side, but they had parted it down the middle. I honestly thought that she would suddenly open her eyes, jump up and laugh her little laugh at us. We found out that Lily had been drowned, in a river. The next week went by in a blur of grief and anger. There would be a hearing in early '05. We couldn't have Lily's body for a funeral yet. On the Monday we went down to the river, led by our Family Liaison Officer, to lay flowers at the spot where Lily was found. On the Tuesday, we saw Lily again, this time we were allowed to kiss her before we left, I kissed her on the top of her head, it was so cold.
February 11th 2005. Lily's funeral. I wrote a poem to be read. I remember walking behind the coffin & pall bearers, my head down looking at the floor. My body shaking as if I was crying, but no tears were coming out, they came later on.
Feb 2005 we put an offer in on a house shortly after Lily's funeral. It was accepted.
2005 H was in court, and sent to a secure mental hospital 'indefinitely'. The things that were said (evidence) were horrific. I only remember parts of it, I was so numb. The diver who found her because he saw something white in the water, it was her leg where her trousers had ridden up, The way that Lily was told to 'stay down' so that she couldn't be seen by the bad people, cowering in the footwell of the rear passenger seat, how Lily had fought her mother whilst she held her down, scratching at her mother's arms trying to stay alive and take in air, H holding her down 'until the last bubble came up'. It still haunts me now, upsets me. The water must've been so cold as it was 26th November.
End of March '05, we found out I was pregnant. We must have conceived about a week after Lily's funeral, when we weren't bothering to be 'careful'.
In October '05, Mark's uncle died after a long battle with cancer. He never met Marena, she wasn't born yet.
November '05, Marena came into our world on the 21st. She brought us joy again. Our little princess.
December '05, My auntie Tracey 'came out'. She had been living a lie for many many years. She could finally be happy. It took a while for her daughters to accept it.
2006, Mark was diagnosed with depression, my mom had a nervous breakdown.
2007 Mark's nan died, she'd had senile dementia. Had we not been through enough? It seems not...
2008, we found out in July that my other auntie ('Ness) has cancer. She'd had it for some time, but not realised, it was only when she became ill that it was detected, the Doctors said she could've had it for 10 years. She has a tumour between her heart and lungs, so she has to sleep at a certain angle, too far forward and it will crush her heart, too far back and it'll crush her lungs. We didn't think she would be with us past Christmas. My cousin brought forward her wedding and got married in the August.
Feb '09, my cousin Joanna (my dad's sister's daughter) committed suicide. She lived in London, had a successful career, but a so-called friend was making life difficult for her. She rang up my auntie Fiona, left a message on her phone saying that she loved her. Then she turned her phone off, and hanged herself. She was 21 years old. My auntie Fiona is absolutely distraught, she'd been trying to phone Joanna straight after the message, but was only getting the answer machine.
2009, where we are now. My auntie 'Ness is still with us, but we don't know for how much longer. We are trying to conceive another child and I'm waiting to hear from the OU about starting a course in February 2010.
We found out that H is being discharged this week from hospital, as she is now seen as fit for release. It's on a 3 month trial to start with, should she break her conditions, or treatment, she will be returned to hospital. It's been nearly 5 years since she killed Lily, and she'll be out and about. Words cannot describe how we feel.
I try to be as positive a person as possible, and those who know me would say I'm quite a 'bubbly' person. But sometimes inside, I'm breaking. I just want it to not be real. Is this really my life? What the hell did I do so terrible to have all this shit thrown at me & my family? Does someone not realise that I'm too young to have to deal with this? I was only 22 when Lily left us. I'm afraid of death sometimes, not myself dying as such, but other people I care about, dying. Sometimes, when I'm lying in bed, or if I'm sat alone, I think about how I would cope if we lost Marena too. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I can't help it, I now know that the unthinkable happens. The fact is, I wouldn't cope, I would die from the inside out, because I just couldn't go through the pain that we've been through in losing Lily, again. And that's what scares me. Because I don't want Mark to have to deal with losing both of his girls, and then his wife.
I sometimes wonder how much more I can take. Whether my sanity will remain intact. But I have to be strong, I'm blessed with a beautiful daughter, and hopefully I'll be blessed with another child.
I can only hope for a better life for us all, which is why I want to do the degree I've chosen. It's about time that my life changed. So I'm taking charge of it.
SJB
x
I was brought up mainly by my mom, my parents parted ways when I was 3 (they weren't married). My mom had my older sister from a previous marriage, and myself. She met my first step-dad when I was just over 4. They divorced when I was 12. My mom had my sister, me, and my two younger brothers. My sister Stacey is 6 years older than me, my brother Clark is 7 years younger than me, and my other brother Ross is 9 years younger than me. My dad met his wife when I was about 9 years old, they have 2 daughters. The eldest Milly is 12 years younger than me, the youngest Holly is 21 years younger than me.
I was bullied in secondary school, not physically, but psychologically (name calling, being excluded etc). This knocked my confidence, and I don't think I've ever fully got it back (not yet anyway)
I met my hubby when I was 17 in 1999. His relationship with H had broken down a few months before and he was living in a bedsit. He 'officially' ended it the day before he asked me out, as we had talked the night before, and I told him that I wouldn't get involved with him until it was 'official'. They had a daughter who was almost 2 at the time. He was 28. His ex caused us much grief, and accused us of having had an affair whilst they were together, she even rang up the private school where he had previously worked as a chef, to find out if I had been a student there.
We got married when I was 19 in 2001. He hadn't seen his daughter since we'd been together because his ex had been so abusive to him. He missed his daughter, and talked about her at work, but it wasn't the same.
In 2002 he got a call from his ex, saying that their daughter had been abused, by the nursery. We moved closer to them, and she started allowing us both to see Lily. We later found out that this was part of the beginning of H's psychosis, she'd imagined it.
In 2003, we saw Lily as regularly as we could. But it wasn't as much as we would have liked. We worked many weekends so it was difficult.
In 2004, we had Lily for the day in February. Mark saw her a couple more times after that, and I saw her in the August, whilst I was working. H had brought her into the shop. I didn't notice anything wrong. I passed my driving test in May. My mom's biological father died, after having prostate cancer for some time. My Auntie's husband was caught cheating on her.
We went to Florida in the October of '04. We brought back some candy sticks and a Disney Bear (Mickey's teddy) for Lily to give her when we next saw her.
At the beginning of November '04 we sent Lily a card with vouchers in for her 7th birthday (11th November). H hadn't been answering the phone for a month or so, so we weren't sure if she'd got the card.
On Saturday 27th November '04, at around 8.30am, a plain clothes policewoman from CID rang our doorbell. The police had been trying to find us all night. Lily had been killed the previous afternoon. H had 'done something'. Lily never got her bear, we still have it now in her little sister's room.
On the Sunday, my husband had to identify her. I remember the sound of the door being opened (we were in the waiting room), it sounded like a heavy walk-in fridge door being slid across. Then I heard my husband. A strangled cry, in between a shout and a scream. My father-in-law and I came out of the room, my husband came stumbling out towards his dad, hardly able to walk. I went and saw Lily, she was lay there tucked up, the heavy red velvety blanket was folded over near her neck so you could see the white sheet folded with it. There was a little cut on the bridge of her nose, apart from that she looked her normal perfect self, like she was asleep. They had done her parting wrong, she always had it parted on the left side, but they had parted it down the middle. I honestly thought that she would suddenly open her eyes, jump up and laugh her little laugh at us. We found out that Lily had been drowned, in a river. The next week went by in a blur of grief and anger. There would be a hearing in early '05. We couldn't have Lily's body for a funeral yet. On the Monday we went down to the river, led by our Family Liaison Officer, to lay flowers at the spot where Lily was found. On the Tuesday, we saw Lily again, this time we were allowed to kiss her before we left, I kissed her on the top of her head, it was so cold.
February 11th 2005. Lily's funeral. I wrote a poem to be read. I remember walking behind the coffin & pall bearers, my head down looking at the floor. My body shaking as if I was crying, but no tears were coming out, they came later on.
Feb 2005 we put an offer in on a house shortly after Lily's funeral. It was accepted.
2005 H was in court, and sent to a secure mental hospital 'indefinitely'. The things that were said (evidence) were horrific. I only remember parts of it, I was so numb. The diver who found her because he saw something white in the water, it was her leg where her trousers had ridden up, The way that Lily was told to 'stay down' so that she couldn't be seen by the bad people, cowering in the footwell of the rear passenger seat, how Lily had fought her mother whilst she held her down, scratching at her mother's arms trying to stay alive and take in air, H holding her down 'until the last bubble came up'. It still haunts me now, upsets me. The water must've been so cold as it was 26th November.
End of March '05, we found out I was pregnant. We must have conceived about a week after Lily's funeral, when we weren't bothering to be 'careful'.
In October '05, Mark's uncle died after a long battle with cancer. He never met Marena, she wasn't born yet.
November '05, Marena came into our world on the 21st. She brought us joy again. Our little princess.
December '05, My auntie Tracey 'came out'. She had been living a lie for many many years. She could finally be happy. It took a while for her daughters to accept it.
2006, Mark was diagnosed with depression, my mom had a nervous breakdown.
2007 Mark's nan died, she'd had senile dementia. Had we not been through enough? It seems not...
2008, we found out in July that my other auntie ('Ness) has cancer. She'd had it for some time, but not realised, it was only when she became ill that it was detected, the Doctors said she could've had it for 10 years. She has a tumour between her heart and lungs, so she has to sleep at a certain angle, too far forward and it will crush her heart, too far back and it'll crush her lungs. We didn't think she would be with us past Christmas. My cousin brought forward her wedding and got married in the August.
Feb '09, my cousin Joanna (my dad's sister's daughter) committed suicide. She lived in London, had a successful career, but a so-called friend was making life difficult for her. She rang up my auntie Fiona, left a message on her phone saying that she loved her. Then she turned her phone off, and hanged herself. She was 21 years old. My auntie Fiona is absolutely distraught, she'd been trying to phone Joanna straight after the message, but was only getting the answer machine.
2009, where we are now. My auntie 'Ness is still with us, but we don't know for how much longer. We are trying to conceive another child and I'm waiting to hear from the OU about starting a course in February 2010.
We found out that H is being discharged this week from hospital, as she is now seen as fit for release. It's on a 3 month trial to start with, should she break her conditions, or treatment, she will be returned to hospital. It's been nearly 5 years since she killed Lily, and she'll be out and about. Words cannot describe how we feel.
I try to be as positive a person as possible, and those who know me would say I'm quite a 'bubbly' person. But sometimes inside, I'm breaking. I just want it to not be real. Is this really my life? What the hell did I do so terrible to have all this shit thrown at me & my family? Does someone not realise that I'm too young to have to deal with this? I was only 22 when Lily left us. I'm afraid of death sometimes, not myself dying as such, but other people I care about, dying. Sometimes, when I'm lying in bed, or if I'm sat alone, I think about how I would cope if we lost Marena too. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I can't help it, I now know that the unthinkable happens. The fact is, I wouldn't cope, I would die from the inside out, because I just couldn't go through the pain that we've been through in losing Lily, again. And that's what scares me. Because I don't want Mark to have to deal with losing both of his girls, and then his wife.
I sometimes wonder how much more I can take. Whether my sanity will remain intact. But I have to be strong, I'm blessed with a beautiful daughter, and hopefully I'll be blessed with another child.
I can only hope for a better life for us all, which is why I want to do the degree I've chosen. It's about time that my life changed. So I'm taking charge of it.
SJB
x
To begin...
Before I start, this is an intimate diary. I hope you (the reader) can take something away from what I write, whether it be a renewed view of certain things or maybe just a reality check from previous misconceptions. I hope that those of you who read this diary (and any other blogs I may start in the future) have the maturity to understand that this is not an opportunity to write idiotic or malicious comments. Those who write such things will have the comments deleted, and subsequent comments also deleted, regardless of whether you become polite or not. There will be no second chances, so think before you write.
SJB
x
SJB
x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)